My Dyslexic Blog Post #17
When I was a little girl I remember some guy telling me that in order to become a better songwriter I have to live a little bit of life first. At the age of 8 that confused me and made me mad. Funny thing is that to this day, I can remember that guy saying those words. A few years ago when I was living up north, if you would have told me that I’d be divorced, back in my hometown, and barely paying my bills…I would have laughed at you. It’s funny how the pains of life bring out the best of who you are. I’m not saying that I wasn’t thankful for things or that I was stuck up, but I was younger. I thought I knew it all. Even if that was just a few years back, oh how my outlook on everything has changed.
Me Then:
“I want to be famous, rich, and have millions of fans all over the world.”
Me Now:
“I want to do what I love and hope that my music connects with people.”
I grew up on stage, singing in bars, and hanging out with musicians. That is all I’ve ever known in life. As a kid, I was much like an outcast and never fit in much with anyone. I absulety hated school more than anything. Not only was the work extra hard becuase of my dyselexia, but the other kids always picked on me for being in the paper or on the local TV. It seems backwards, I know. But kids just pick on whoever is different and being on TV sure isn’t normal. Enough about that….blah, blah, blah….moving on.
After my indepedent record deal went out the window when I was fourteen, I ditched Dolly and started to listen to Metallica, Pantera, and Ozzy. I said “F” Nashville, I’m going to be the next Janis Joplin. Thank God I wasn’t into the internet yet… hopefully there are no coppies of my songs off of that album. Yep, there’s an album. The alternative, teenage, and hormonal filled album called Fear Inside. Don’t bother looking. You won’t find it.
I soon moved out of my mom’s house, started hanging out with metal bands, and stole a few good musicans for myself. No, my band wasn’t metal, it turned out to be more pop-alternative-rock. It was actually pretty darn good, but even so, it wasn’t me. I faked it. I was playing the part of who I thought everyone wanted me to be. And up until just a few years ago, I did just that. In every part of my life, I was over produced….molded this way.. molded that way. Told how I should write, how I should dress, how I should fix my hair, and act. Everyone tried to make me a star and I just went along with it.
There are so many more details about my life and I’m sure I could go on forever, so I’ll sum it up right now. I’ve been happy, sad, loved, hated, pushed around, abused, broke, well off, fought illness, in love, divorced, mistreated, cheated on, been the cheater, in love again, broken hearted, stayed strong, and hit rock bottom. And that once little girl that felt insulted by some guy’s comment at a gig… is now a woman who thinks it was the best advice she ever recived.
This week I start recording my next album with a long time buddy of mine, Joe Spann. I haven’t lived a lot yet, but I have certainly lived a little. I’m no longer a starry eyed little country girl nor a teenage rebel. I’m just me. Every song that will be on it I wrote deep down from within my soul out of all I have experienced. I’m extremly proud of these songs and feel this album is going to be my greatest accomplishment yet. Nope, I don’t live in a fancy house, drive a nice new car, or have tons of money to blow. Matter of fact, I’m that chick you see, most of the time in dirty old blue jeans and a faded t-shirt. I’m at a point in my life where there is no more faking who I am. What you see now, is what you get…. on stage or off. This is the real me, Unplugged and Undone.
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